BOY:
Hey dad
Are we there yet?
Can we stop? I need the bathroom really bad

GIRL
I’m bored
(Ouch!) Mom, he hit me

BOY
Liar!
No I didn’t

GIRL
Now he’s making faces

DAD
Listen to the racket in the backseat of the car

MOM
Those kids can’t belong to us, I don’t know whose they are

DAD
All I know is when I drive, they drive me nuts!

MOM
Let’s play a game or sing a song (KIDS: are we there yet?)

MOM & DAD
We’ll be there before too long (KIDS: are we there yet?)

BOY
This stinks
I feel nauseous

GIRL
Uch! Stop your whining

BOY
Fine—I’ll just throw up on you

GIRL
That’s mine

BOY
No! No it isn’t

GIRL
Give it back!
Mom, he took my radio

BOY
She’s lying

MOM
Can’t we have a little peace and quiet in the car?

DAD
This bickering and arguing have gone too far.

MOM
Why do our vacations have to start like this?

DAD
Let’s play a game or sing a song (KIDS: are we there yet?)

MOM AND DAD
We’ll be there before too long (KIDS: are we there yet?)

“PATTER VERSE 1”

BOY
Roll down the window

GIRL
No don’t

BOY
But I’m hot

DAD
Stop the fighting right now

GIRL
You’re adopted

BOY
Am not!

GIRL
There’s a bug on your neck

BOY
Get it off

GIRL
(SFX swat) it’s dead

MOM & DAD
Maybe next time we’ll leave both you kids home instead!

BOY AND GIRL (IMPROV)
O.K , SHHHH, BE QUIET, STOP IT, SHHHHH

(Instrumental)

BOY
Can I at least play my harmonica?

DAD
Fine.

“PATTER VERSE 2”

GIRL
Put a lid on it!
I’m getting a headache

BOY
Boo Hoo

GIRL
Cut it out!

MOM
Okay stop fighting kids

DAD (louder)
Or I’ll stop the car now

MOM
Honey, don’t raise your voice

BOY
How much longer to go?

DAD (yelling)
When we get there we’ll get there

BOY & GIRL
Are we there yet

DAD (yelling)
No!

MOM
Honey, you’re yelling

DAD (yelling)
I’m not

GIRL
Yes you are

BOY
Dad you’re turning all red

GIRL
Like a beet--it’s bizarre

MOM
We should pull over here

BOY
But I don’t want to stop

GIRL
Someone’s waving at us

BOY
Hey, I think it’s a copGIRL
No it isn’t

BOY
It is! Dad, c’mon hit the gas!

MOM
You should really slow down

DAD
But I’m not going fast

BOY
Hey the cop went right by us

GIRL
I’m hungry

BOY
That’s tough

GIRL
Mind your business

BOY
Yeah? Make me!

MOM & DAD
Hey kids—that’s enough!

DAD
You know, I have a mind to turn this car around right now. But I won’t. Why not? Cause I’m a nice dad. But in the meantime…

MOM & DAD
Let’s play a game or sing a song
(KIDS echo : “Let’s Play, a game, or sing a song -- are we there yet?)

We’ll be there before too long (KIDS: are we there yet?)

REPEAT